No More Lying to Self

The thing I hate most about myself is when I eat my words. Words glazed with caramel. Sinful and fattening.

Friends, I want to change things. This time, I'm coming clean. I am in denial. I have always been in denial. And now, I am breaking the truth to myself. It's ironic 'cause it's something I've always known but which I convince myself of its non-existence. Now I'm done. I'm finally embracing reality that you will never see me the way you saw me before. That you aren't anymore the man who is happiest in my presence. That I'm the decomposer in the food chain--always last on the list. That you would never. Love. Me.

They finally left. I guess he's had enough too. He's had enough showing me how much I meant to him because everytime he did, I closed my eyes to give room to your "affection" that maybe wasn't really there, maybe was just something that I pathetically invented. So in case you let go of my grip for the who knows how much number of time, he won't be there anymore to catch me. I saw this coming. But it's alright, he deserves to be loved, too.

If you'd appear by my side again to make me feel I matter, I will read this note twenty-one times to remind me that tonight you hurt me. Hurt me like all those other times where I felt like I'm just a speck in the universe.

Now, it's just me and my soaked sheets humming in unison until daylight peeks in. Lah lah lahh. Tomorrow it'll be like any other day--I'd struggle waking up, be a responsible student (read that with sarcasm), then come home to mama and papa. The only difference this time is that I'll be looking forward to that dull and boring routine. I'll be doing it all over and over and over again until one day, I'll bump into you, say my hello, and go on sipping coffee with my friends without even wanting your embrace.

But smile, you would always be in my prayers. I guess when you love someone you would never want to have him hurt. Never ever.

As I stare at my reflection, I see somebody exhausted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not tired of you. I'm just tired of hurting.

I want to feel beautiful again. I want my knees to stop shaking. And by the time I would, I will finally believe it.

Good night